This evening, at approximately 0830 hours, a special task force comprised of four fingers and one thumb, under the command of my Left Hand, conducted a surprise attack on a mosquito terrorist in the Right Bicep province. 

This "sting" operation was a counter-attack in response to one of the terrorist's signature bloodsucking attacks. I am pleased to report that this covert operation has resulted in the death of the terrorist. The body was positively identified as a member of Al Qaeda, and the body was buried "at sea". 

I think you'll agree this represents a significant step in our global fight against terrorism. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.
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For those of you that are entertaining thoughts of running for any sort of political office this year, I've put together this helpful fill-in-the-blank template.

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[Cue slideshow of ominous black and white pictures of well-known politicians who are part of the "Washington Elite"]

"Are you tired of the same old thing in Washington?  Are you ready for new blood?  It's time for a changing of the guard!  Let's vote out the liberal socialists who are ruining our country and mortgaging our children's future!

[Cut to softly filtered video of well-groomed families sitting on front porches, freshly mown grass and well groomed farmlands]

I am a Washington outsider.  I have never taken money from those evil lobbyists who have infilterated the ranks of our nation's capital.  I spent my formative years working in my [fill in the blank] family business.  I have [X] number of years of Real World Experience running [insert name of privately owned] business.  

[Cut to a headshot of yourself, looking earnestly into the camera.  Try to wear a sternly passionate, outraged-about-what's-happening-in-Washington sort of look on your face.]

I will bring Real Change to Washington!  My name is [X] and I would sincerely appreciate your vote on [fill in the election date]."

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You're welcome.  You can thank me by sending massive amounts of pork to my congressional district after you're elected.
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Picture
Arby's, marketing the healthy food angle...looks like it says:


"Never fried.  Never greasy."


I'm not sure though; it's kinda hard to read...through the grease stain.
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