This evening, at approximately 0830 hours, a special task force comprised of four fingers and one thumb, under the command of my Left Hand, conducted a surprise attack on a mosquito terrorist in the Right Bicep province.
This "sting" operation was a counter-attack in response to one of the terrorist's signature bloodsucking attacks. I am pleased to report that this covert operation has resulted in the death of the terrorist. The body was positively identified as a member of Al Qaeda, and the body was buried "at sea".
I think you'll agree this represents a significant step in our global fight against terrorism. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.
For those of you that are entertaining thoughts of running for any sort of political office this year, I've put together this helpful fill-in-the-blank template.
[Cue slideshow of ominous black and white pictures of well-known politicians who are part of the "Washington Elite"]
"Are you tired of the same old thing in Washington? Are you ready for new blood? It's time for a changing of the guard! Let's vote out the liberal socialists who are ruining our country and mortgaging our children's future!
[Cut to softly filtered video of well-groomed families sitting on front porches, freshly mown grass and well groomed farmlands]
I am a Washington outsider. I have never taken money from those evil lobbyists who have infilterated the ranks of our nation's capital. I spent my formative years working in my [fill in the blank] family business. I have [X] number of years of Real World Experience running [insert name of privately owned] business.
[Cut to a headshot of yourself, looking earnestly into the camera. Try to wear a sternly passionate, outraged-about-what's-happening-in-Washington sort of look on your face.]
I will bring Real Change to Washington! My name is [X] and I would sincerely appreciate your vote on [fill in the election date]."
You're welcome. You can thank me by sending massive amounts of pork to my congressional district after you're elected.
The random thoughts of a passionate moderate who is incurably addicted to music, practical philosophy, and learning new things.